Please Help

I hate to ask for help. I’m writing this in panic and desperation.
As is clear from this blog, I have been in trouble.
Despite the last offence being almost a year ago, various court dates have been adjourned due to my Community Mental Health Team refusing to complete a psychiatric report. Basically, I had made an unrelated complaint against the psychiatrist involved and instead of resolving this, the CMHT basically ignored this and refused to allocate me to another psychiatrist. My original court date was 21 August 2014. This was adjourned because there was no report. Following dates on 29 September, 24 November and 19 January also had to be adjourned for this reason.
I had appointments on 16 December and 10 February with said psychiatrist. He is consistently rude and patronising to me, and refused to speak to me about the report – in fact, stating that because I had stated I would prefer that another psychiatrist complete it, that he could not do so.
This is Kafkaesque. I requested a change of psychiatrist, this is refused, I (reluctantly, but having no choice) complied and the CMHT then tell me the
This simply psychological torture.
The CMHT have of course blamed me for this delay to the court. So magistrates will see me as being difficult and not co-operating.
I cannot express how desperate I am feeling.
As if having a criminal record didn’t make me feel desperate enough. What future do I have. None. Who is going to employ someone with a criminal record to work with vulnerable people? What is actually the point of trying to recover and rehabilitate myself, if I am just marked by everyone as a criminal for the rest of my life?
I am constantly suicidal. Death would be a release. What do I have left, now? Nothing. Nothing at all.
Please someone tell me. Is there anything I can do, anyone I can turn to?

Interesting Article

I happened to come across this piece, and given my previous relationship (see my most recent post), read it with a sick fascination. I recognised L’s behaviour in almost everything. I could feel the anxiety symptoms I felt so much at that time, the heart pounding fast, nausea and muscle tension; but I also felt vindicated – so they really are at fault? I still, years later, wonder if I wasn’t the one at fault, the terrible employee and person they made me feel like.

• They run hot and cold. Yes. Exactly. One minute L was helpful, friendly, warm, caring – although you never knew when the next ‘helpful’ criticism was coming, that you’d miss at the time but would suddenly sting you later, and I felt she was there for me. The next, she was cold, all business, distant, critical. I would wonder what I had done.
• They are charming. L was universally liked; everyone raved about her, both as a team manager and as a person. More than one of the younger male employees had a crush on her. She could turn it on and off, too – ‘They now make you constantly feel as if you’ve done something wrong. You may be stuck in a cycle of self-doubt and insecurity, feeling like you need to get back on your boss’s good side’ – which is exactly what I’ve said above. Over time, the ‘nice’ side of her virtually disappeared for me (until she wanted to keep me hooked in so deployed the charm again, of course).
• They are control freaks. L held little ‘progress meetings’ with me, which were basically her opportunity to make me feel panicked, interrogated, that I had to conceal how useless I really was. She micromanaged. Everything had to be done her way, to the point of her correcting my e-mails and reports, so that they sounded like ‘her voice’ which was of course always superior.
• They are narcissists. ‘They feign concern for others, appearing helpful and compassionate, only to exploit you later.’ Exactly. I will write more about this later, but L’s MO was exactly to pretend she was my friend and cared about me – but only when it was convenient for her, and only to throw me under the bus later. ‘Self-absorbed and arrogant, a psychopathic boss believes undoubtedly that they are the team’s critical linchpin — all others are disposable. This is seen when they callously trash friendships or working relationships, and fire people without any good reason.’ Again, I will write about this in detail later, but L basically destroyed my career and life.
• They are masters of deception. ‘Psychopaths operate from a warped moral code and experience little to no guilt or remorse over telling lies. These bosses are skilled at avoiding accountability and have a Teflon-like capability to deflect blame. They lie, omit information, rephrase the truth, and misrepresent facts. They take credit for ideas that they did not come up with.’ When I worked for her, all my mistakes were mine, all my successes were…hers. L also turned colleagues against me and as it turned out, lied to police.
• They avoid responsibility. ‘Psychopaths have an overblown sense of entitlement. They often cast themselves in the role of victims, clearing themselves of any liability. They never take responsibility for wrongdoing and can easily shift the blame to others and keep their reputation unsullied. Because psychopaths are adept at manufacturing evidence that points the finger at someone else, they make excellent attorneys.’ This is scarily accurate. L treated me like excrement and then lied to police, portraying herself as the pitiable victim and me as evil.
• They take extreme risks. ‘These people move at lightspeed without any consideration for the consequences.’ L was definitely a ‘make a quick decision, worry about the conseuences later’ type to work with. ‘Research shows that high-risk behaviors more intensely trigger reward areas in the brains of psychopaths than in the normal population, meaning the thrill of danger far outweighs practical considerations and safety. While this impulse helps psychopaths perform under pressure and makes them particularly suited for high-stress jobs, it comes at the cost of making unwise investments, and taking illegal shortcuts to get their way.’ L is a textbook example of this, she thrives under pressure. I was more cautious, but her dismissal of this in favour of speed meant that government statistical publications were published with mistakes in them – and guess who got the blame? Yes, me.

I have spent so long without being validated or vindicated, I don’t dare trust my own perceptions – but this description rings so true about L. Just maybe, she is a psychopath. It’s too late for me; I only feel concern for her latest victims.