Nightmare

That s what my life feels like. Surreal.

I never expected to be so victimised, hated and vilified by mental health services that are supposed to help me.

In the last well year and a bit I have taken several overdoses, and not minor ones, not cries for attention – I genuinely wanted to end my life. I ended up in resus as a cardiac arrest risk after two of these. I lay in the road to get run over. I tried attending A&E when I felt at risk. Every time, I was sent home with no help. The crisis team came once and were rude and hostile, and told me in as many words that they didn’t take me seriously. I booked a room to end my life, the crisis team refused to see me at all. Liaison have called me chronic, just badly behaved, accused me of many things including drinking and ‘not engaging’.

Engage with what?! I was punished for complaining about my care co-ordinator who was lazily dismissive and complacent and didn’t even bother to contact me after the above incidents, and still don’t have another care co-ordinator. No-one followed up my last A&E visit. I have a support worker who is currently sulking that I want more/ different help than she can provide – I don’t need a support worker, I need clinical help – and given their apparent determination to offer me as little as possible and insist ‘there are limits’ because the bad dependent EUPDer always wants everything, I am never confident she will see me at all. In any case, it’s only every 3 weeks or so and it is not what I need.

I am so desperately low that yes, I sometimes miss appointments, and struggle with communicating. You would think that would mean they realised I am unwell and I got more help, not the lazy ‘oh well she’s Not Engaging’, assuming I choose to and can’t be bothered because well, lazy evil EUPDer. I have been to appointments when I can, even if I have to force myself to get up and out, and I have tried to express how I am struggling and desperately suicidal there. This has been dismissed and minimised. I have written to various staff members and taken letters to A&E several times, explaining just how bad things are because I find it much easier to express this in writing. I have been ignored. It is wrong and deeply unfair to accuse me of not seeking and accepting help. And again, if someone is sometimes struggling to communicate and make appointments maybe that means they need more help, maybe ask what is going wrong and try to make it easier – it doesn’t follow in any way that they are being deliberately difficult, are lazy, and need less help! I HAVE tried to explain this (so much for ‘not engaging’ – again, if I wasn’t I wouldn’t bother).

They only see me through their lens of EUPD, they talk AT me, they don’t listen, they have their preconceived ideas of me and won’t change…they refuse to try to help…WHO is ‘not engaging’?!

To be clear. A desperately suicidal person who is making attempts needs a bit more than an occasional support worker. Anyone else would be under the crisis team or in hospital. I am blacklisted.

They are extremely defensive. I feel I have upset them all and done something wrong by complaining.

The complaints people hate me. Their communications have been rude and hostile, blaming me, and they have then ignored me. They have told the ICAS service they will not respond to my complaint.

I have been so gaslighted, I have almost accepted this treatment. They have justified it so much I almost believe them, and it just feeds my deep feelings that I am bad, unacceptable and undeserving.

Looked at objectively, is this acceptable ‘care’? I would be appalled if I saw this happen to anyone else.

They see me with a lens that I am difficult, bad, unco-operative…I just can’t see a way to convince them otherwise, to make them help me. I feel utterly hopeless and powerless, refused help by the system that is supposed to help, that clearly dislikes me. I tried complaining, tried PALS, the CEO, ICAS, I can’t see where else to go and even if I did (MP? PHSO?), I am not sure I would, as I would be scared they would hate me and punish me even more. I don’t have the strength for it.

No wonder I have paranoid thoughts that this is all a conspiracy. The trust do seem to hate me and deliberately be punishing me, destroying me. They can’t genuinely think they are helping? Who does lack of care, criticism and blaming, patronising, ignoring and complacency help? They CAN’T think it does. Or they genuinely think I am a bad dependent attention-seeking EUPDer that will shut up, go away and get a grip if they don’t respond to its silly little tantrums, of course it’s not really suicidal…I’m not sure which is worse.

They are playing with my life.

No wonder I feel beaten down. No wonder I kind of accept that well, I deserve this, as they are telling me I do. I wonder, is this all a sign that the world doesn’t want me in it? I feel my whole life has shown that. This isn’t impulsive or short-lived; I want to be dead. They don’t believe it, and there is clearly no help. Being utterly alone with this desperation is hell.

I don’t think I can survive it. I have tried, despite what they think, so many ‘coping methods’ ‘strategies’ whatever, I have fought. That’s why I am still here, not because of their (non-existent) help, despite them. There is only so long I can do that. Oh, but you are, you’re still here. No longer. I can see what the best – only – option is.